Sometimes Tomorrow Doesn't Come.

This had been an interesting week. I have been more aware than usual of how we interact with each other. I would to share a few of my observations. One, as I get older I find that people seem less motivated and inclined to invest in developing and nurturing relationships. It seems easier to blow each other off with excuses than it is to be honest and straighforward. It seems that it is easier to justify behavior by blaming what we do on what someone else does. Recently, I experienced several interactions with people in different environments and circumstances and yet I walked away feeling the same bad taste in my mouth. I approached a "brother" in my church about feeling as if he were ducking me at church and distancing himself from me. We shared interests in music and college, so when I called him we talked on the phone about things. I noticed that I was calling him and he wasn't calling me. when I stopped calling him, he did not call me and it seemed that the only time we spoke in church was when I approached him. I couldn't help but notice this behavior, so after a few weeks I asked if I had done something to him unknowingly to make him act this way toward me. He shared that I had not done anything to him and he was unaware of his behavior and was sorry. He also stated that he saw himself becoming distant from other friends and they from him. We talked about the importance of investing in friendships in order to develop and sustain them. We decided to meet for coffee. We grabbed Starbucks and Subway, laughed talked and we went to a bible study that he had invited me to attend with him. The hosts were very nice and I learned a lot. We agreed to meet the following Friday for Bible Study. I did not attend or call to say I was not going to attend. Nor did he or the study leaders call me to find out why I did not attend or call. I was wrong for not calling and blowing them off. I did not plan to do it, but during the week I remembered a previous commitment and instead of calling to let them know I did not. As the week passed into a new week, I thought about calling but did not. In part because I became preoccupied with other things and the other reason was because I did not want to come across as irresponsible, even though I was being irresponsible and inconsiderate. I do not know why no one felt motivated to call and see what happened to me or to see if I needed encouragement or support. I called one "sister" in church after hearing that she was having severe back trouble. I left a message on her answering machine to left her know she was in my thoughts and prayers. She never returned my call. Perhaps she was too ill to call me back. My co-worker ended up falling and injuring her back at our job twice in the last 7 months. She was out for a few months and returned a few weeks ago and fell last week again. I called her twice in the last week to see how she was doing. She had not returned my calls, yet other co-workers report speaking to her. We talked and maintained an open line of communication when she was out before so I had no reason to think that we would not talk now. Perhaps she has decided that she does not want to talk to me or she is too ill and must prioritize who she talks to. I had a recent meeting with an arts administrator with the hope of partnering to develop performing arts opportunities for myself and others. We talked about what I do and what I bring to the table and we talked about what the organization was and hoped to do and how I could be a part of this. I am a paying member of the organization and wanted to be active. She assured me that we could "make it happen" because these ideas that she was fact working on. Upon agreeing to what I thought was an opportunity to work together I extended my hand and said  something to the effect of  "Its a deal." She looked at me and then my hand and pulled back and said "Whats that?". I explained that being a business woman at heart, I am prone to forge a partnership with a handshake. This is a symbol of commitment. After this she told me that she would need to run this by her director. The same proposal that she herself told me that she was already implementing. I wondered if she heard what she had in fact told me and if she realized that I heard what she told me. In each of these instances, I wondered about a few things. Why is it so difficult for us to say what we mean and mean what we say?  Why is it so difficult for us to be honestly considerate? Are we so concerned about hurting each others feelings that we feel that need to be evasive and or dishonest? Are we so inconsiderate of each other that we don't respect each other enough to be even bother? Are we so self absorbed and or preoccupied with the next thing that we just don't take the time to invest in the moment and the individual?

A week ago, my 28 year old daughter and I had a disagreement. We had been having the same discussion about faith, money, employment and patience for what seems like forever. We have drastically different views on how she addresses these issues in her life. she often calls me hard and unsympathetic. As a result, I have encouraged her to agree to disagree. I attribute my views to being older and having more life experience and wisdom than she does. She did not like what I had to say last week and for the umpteenth time she hung up in my face. I thought about this for a moment and I realized that if I called her back she could avoid me by not answering the phone. I was used to this behavior, but I did not like it or appreciate it. I wanted her to understand the gravity of her actions, so I texted her and reminded her that she would not dare hang up on her "godmother", but she regularly does it to me. This mere action seemed to provoke the following: failure to return my phone calls; not going to church with me; not allowing me contact with my grandchild; failing to inform me that she did not need me to watch my grandchild and as a result I went to pick her up from the after school program and she was gone and lastly not talking to her 9 year old brother for about a week. There are two sides to every story and the truth. I am presenting my observations and posing questions to ponder. I am a hopeless optimist. I do not believe in the word can't and my motto is "No excuses accepted." I also believe that for every action there is a reaction. I don't treat people the way I want to be treated, I aspire to treat people right because its the right thing for me to do. I believe in karma; what goes around comes around and who you step on to get to the top can be the same person you need to help you get up when you fall to the bottom. I live my life based on these principles, pray for guidance, seek support from others and say I am sorry when I believe that I should. I do not believe in try, I either do or I don't, one thing at a time, one day at a time. I am old enough to realize that tomorrow is not promised and I have learned the hard way that sometimes tomorrow doesn't come. I am not guaranteed the opportunity to right a wrong or give a hug or tell someone how much they mean to me just because I want it to be so. I remember being 10 and being very angry with my father for spanking me for something that my step brother had done. I was my fathers only child; his little princess and I could not imagine how he could have spanked me. He spanked my step brother too, but that was not the point. That night I sat in the tub and cried and mumbled that "I hated my Daddy" and my stepmother walked in to the bathroom and told me that I should not say this. That was the last time I saw my father alive. I lived with my mother during the week and with my dad and other family on the weekends. I did not know it, but my father had Hotchkins Disease. he died without notice at the age of 33. I started drinking alcohol at the age of 10 and would carry that guilt and drink and drug over it for many years. I wished I had not said what I said. I wished that I did not hold a grudge. I wished, I wished , I wished. I believe that life is to be lived to the fullest. Relationships are gems to be cherished and held in high regard. The greatest gift one human can give to another are pieces of themselves; their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their joys. their laugh, their tears, their happiness, their anger, their truth, their respect and their love.  The best gift I can give to treat these like the priceless gifts that they are. Peace, Love and Hairgrease until next time. Shadow.